Backwards and In High Heels
by mindmelda
Summary: The GW ladies do it all, even when "nature arrives in all it's splendor."


Title: Backwards and in High Heels  
  
Author: Gina Lin Genre: Humor, Sap, Romance? Pairings: 5+S, 6+9, 2+H Warnings: Language, Bodily functions, slightly AU, non-canon Rating: PG-13 Archived: Lady Wing, S_E Updates, GWFF, FF.net  
  
Summary: The GW ladies do it all, even when "nature arrives in all its splendor". (The title refers to the answer to the question "Who was the better dancer, Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers? To which some wit replied: "Ginger Rogers, of course, because she did the same things, only backwards and in high heels.")  
  
Backwards and in High Heels  
  
"Lu?" whispered Sally, from under the stall in the ladies room on the 4th floor at Preventor's headquarters.  
  
"What, Sal?" replied Noin, putting a fresh coat of lipgloss on, and checking the results by making a kissy face at the mirror.  
  
"I need a, you know, a tampon," said Sally, trying in vain to look under the door of the stall.  
  
She saw Noin's boots and the bottom of her black uniform slacks walk towards the cabinet where they kept the feminine supplies.  
  
"Here, girl, knock yourself out," she said, handing Sally a box under the door.  
  
"Shit, of all days to get my period," muttered Sally. "I'm supposed to be taking my officer's fitness test today."  
  
"Postpone it," said Lucrezia Noin, now carefully applying mascara to already dark lashes.  
  
The toilet flushed, and Sally came out, straightening her jacket and looking pale.  
  
"Are you kidding?" asked Sally. "Guess who is giving the test today; if I even said the word 'period' to him except in the context of punctuation, he'd melt like the witch when Dorothy threw water on her."  
  
"Ah, Wufei," said Lu, nodding. "Mr. Katana up his ass."  
  
"He's not that bad," said Sally, elbowing her. Sally took a few things out of her purse and made an attempt to put some artificial color in her pale cheeks and lips.  
  
"I'm a tough girl," said Sally, squaring her shoulders in the mirror and smoothing her hair. She took a bottle of ibuprofen out of her purse and gulped three down, sticking her head under the faucet to get a quick drink. "I'll survive."  
  
"Here, take the box," said Noin, handing the tampons to her. "You're gonna need it."  
  
"I hate you," said Sally, grimacing. "I bet this kind of thing never happens to you."  
  
"No, I only get mine on my honeymoon," said Noin, giggling. "Poor Mil."  
  
"Poor Lu," said Sally, giving her a sympathetic look.  
  
"We managed somehow," said Noin, still giggling.  
  
"Too much information," groaned Sally. "I'm a deprived single woman, I don't need to hear about your kinky sex life with Prince Charming. Especially right now."  
  
"We need to fix that," said Lu, eyeing her in a speculative manner.  
  
"Oh, that's really on my mind right now," said Sally sarcastically.  
  
"Didn't you get those hygiene talks in school about what a precious gift menstruation is?" asked Noin, laughing.  
  
"I bet some man wrote that," said Sally, pressing the heel of her hand into her abdomen as a cramp hit her.  
  
"You really should postpone this," said Noin, looking at her. "Take a sick day."  
  
"Why don't I just wear a big sign on my back that says, 'Sally's having her period today'?" asked Sally, rolling her eyes.  
  
"So, we're all grownups, who cares if they figure it out?"  
  
"I care," said Sally. "I'm not giving these guys any ammunition to say we're not every bit the soldiers they are. I hear enough of that shit anyway."  
  
"Knot-head," said Lu, fondly. "Well, I wish you luck," she said, yanking slightly on one of Sally's long honey colored braids.  
  
"I'll need it," sighed Sally. She looked in the mirror again, muttered, "Forget it," and walked out after Lu.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"As you all know, this is a test to evaluate your physical competency," said Wufei, briefly looking up from his clipboard at the line of officers in front of him.  
  
Duo flexed his right arm and grinned at Wufei cheekily, earning him a frown. They were all wearing navy sweats, tank tops and running shoes.  
  
"Upper body strength, leg strength, stamina and reaction time are the main focus of the test. Let's get started. We'll be taking respites at 30-minute intervals to re-hydrate. "  
  
"Thank God for small favors," Sally thought inwardly.  
  
Wufei walked over to her, "You seem a bit, um, pale," he whispered. "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"  
  
"I'm fine," Sally lied and gave him a fake smile. He gazed at her levelly and then shrugged. "Okay."  
  
"I'd tell you if I wasn't up to this."  
  
He looked doubtful for an instant. "Right," he said.  
  
"Honest."  
  
"Right," he muttered, still looking doubtful.  
  
"He's on to ya, Sal," said Duo, butting in. "He knows yer as stubborn as a mule."  
  
"Well, that would be the pot calling the kettle black, now, wouldn't it?" asked Sally sweetly.  
  
"Ew, UMS!" said Duo, backing off and holding up his hands.  
  
"UMS?" asked Wufei. "What's that, some female thing?"  
  
Duo snickered. "I hope not, because you have it all the time! No, man, stands for 'ugly mood swings'".  
  
"Someone needs extra laps to get rid of all that excess energy, doesn't he?" asked Wufei evilly.  
  
"Ah, come on, I'll wash your motorcycle!" pleaded Duo.  
  
"You're not touching my motorcycle," said Wufei coolly. "Unless you want to draw back a stub."  
  
He walked off.  
  
"Try not to have so much raw meat for breakfast tomorrow," muttered Duo after him.  
  
Sally chuckled. "How's Hilde?" she asked.  
  
"Married to the most wonderful guy in the galaxy," said Duo, grinning. "What a lucky woman, huh?"  
  
"You are irrepressible," said Sally, shaking her head and smiling.  
  
"I'll look that up later and see if it's a compliment or not," replied Duo. He peered at her. "Ya know, Wuffers is right, you are lookin a bit pale, Sal," he said with concern.  
  
"I'm fine," protested Sally. "It's easy to look pale when you're blond."  
  
"Oh," said Duo, in an "I'm not convinced" tone.  
  
"I'm a doctor, Duo, I'd know if I were all right or not, now wouldn't I?" asked Sally.  
  
"Sure," said Duo.  
  
"Then quit looking at me like that."  
  
"You look green, Sal."  
  
She glared daggers at him.  
  
"Not saying another word," demurred Duo, looking at the ceiling. "I get enough of that look from Hilde."  
  
Sally swallowed back a twinge of nausea.  
  
"All right, let's get going people, alphabetical order. Alders, you're up first," barked Wufei.  
  
"Thank God my last name is Po," thought Sally doggedly trying to hang on to the contents of her stomach.  
  
A half hour went by. "Maxwell, you're up!"  
  
Duo sauntered over to the chin-up bar and easily pulled himself up.  
  
"I need 10," said Wufei, "in 8 minutes or less."  
  
"Aw, Wu-man, I thought this was gonna be hard," complained Duo, winking at the others. Several of the people in line laughed.  
  
"Shut your pie hole and get to it, Maxwell!" barked Wufei.  
  
"YESSIR!" hollered Duo with a snappy salute. Wufei rolled his eyes.  
  
"Just DO it," he sighed.  
  
Duo easily chinned himself 10 times, well within the time allotted, then jumped down and bowed. A few people applauded. Wufei scowled at him over the clipboard. "Pass," he said.  
  
"Don't applaud, just throw money," joked Duo, getting in the back of the line.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," said Trowa, coming hurriedly into the gym and getting in line. He handed a few papers to Wufei.  
  
"My shuttle was delayed," he said. "Bomb threat." He sighed. "I already turned in a report to Colonel Une."  
  
"Some people will do anything to get out of evaluations," whispered Duo loudly.  
  
"We've only done the first test," said Wufei, ignoring Duo.  
  
Wufei pointed at the bar. "I need 10 in 8 or under," he repeated.  
  
Trowa walked up, reached up for the bar, and did 10 chin ups in rapid succession. Swinging up his legs easily, he dismounted with a back flip and walked back to the line.  
  
"Show off," muttered Duo. Sally snickered in spite of the nausea she was feeling again.  
  
"Nice to see your Cirque du Soleil ass here, Barton," welcomed Duo.  
  
"Don't be jealous mon ami," said Trowa sedately. "We can't all be blessed with a manly and flexible physique."  
  
"Go bend yourself into a pretzel and kiss your own ass," said Duo.  
  
Trowa chuckled.  
  
"Po!" barked Wufei. "You're next."  
  
Sally walked slowly over to the bar and with a small grunt of discomfort, pulled herself up.  
  
She fought to focus on something other than the nausea and slight cramping in her gut and laboriously chinned herself 10 times.  
  
"Just under 8 minutes," said Wufei, "You might want to work on that time, Po."  
  
Sally comforted herself with a brief mental vision of poking Wufei in the stomach with his katana as he was tied to the chin up bar.  
  
She walked back to the line, a headache starting in her temples.  
  
"You don't look well," whispered Trowa, as she walked past him. "Are you all right, Sally?"  
  
"I'm fine," she muttered. "Does everyone have to keep asking me that?"  
  
"You look a bit wan today," replied Trowa in a whisper.  
  
"Thanks," said Sally indifferently as she got back in line.  
  
Trowa gave her an odd look, then shrugged.  
  
"Ralston!" called Wufei, nodding at a petite redheaded woman with abundant freckles and a gamine haircut. "You're up next!"  
  
Ralston walked over to the bar, and jumped high to catch it. She chinned herself easily like the gymnast she had once been, and dismounted with a flourish.  
  
Wufei nodded her on. "Very good."  
  
Ralston walked back in line behind Sally. "Bad time for it, eh?" she whispered in an Australian accent.  
  
"Tell me about it, Trish," Sally groaned. "I'll manage."  
  
"Keep yer chin up, girl," said Ralston, reaching up and patting her on the shoulder.  
  
"Let's keep down the chatter, Ralston," said Wufei, coming over with his clipboard.  
  
"Yessir," said Ralston, standing at attention. Sally did likewise, but being Wufei's equivalent in rank said nothing.  
  
"Strict bugger," hissed Ralston as Wufei walked back to the beginning of the line.  
  
"He's not so bad," whispered Sally.  
  
After a few more tests, they went on to lunges. Sally groaned inwardly as she waited her turn. She checked her watch, and an hour had passed.  
  
"We're going to have ten minute break for water," announced Wufei. "And I want all of you to drink up. Medical will chew my ass if any of you end up dehydrated."  
  
Everyone broke line and headed for water bottles or the bathrooms. Sally drank hurriedly from her bottle and swallowed another ibuprofen. She then went to the bathroom and "checked things".  
  
Noin was in the bathroom, freshening her lip gloss again. "Still holding up?" she asked Sally.  
  
"I am," said Sally. "Still feeling a bit sick to my stomach, though."  
  
"You could be sitting in the office with me drinking hot cocoa instead of being a martyr," said Noin, smiling at her.  
  
"It'll be over soon enough," said Sally, gritting her teeth.  
  
"I'll drink an extra cup of cocoa for you," said Noin teasingly.  
  
"Eat shit and die," said Sally, giving her a dirty look. Noin laughed.  
  
"See you later," she said, exiting the bathroom.  
  
"I won't puke," Sally said to her image in the mirror.  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Po, you're up!" barked Wufei. Sally walked over and got into position to do 25 lunges.  
  
At number twenty, she leaned over and heaved up the contents of her stomach on the mat. Several people in line groaned in sympathy, or gagged.  
  
"Shit," she said weakly, and rolled over onto her side, gasping and holding her stomach.  
  
"You're excused from the remainder of the test, Lieutenant Po," said Wufei.  
  
"I can finish," said Sally, panting heavily. "Just give me a minute."  
  
"I said you're excused," repeated Wufei with an edge to his voice.  
  
"Report to the infirmary," he said. "They'll give you a medical excuse."  
  
"I'm NOT sick!" Sally said. "I'm fine now. Just let me clean up this mess and I'll finish the goddam test!" She got up on her knees, and took a shaky breath.  
  
"No," said Wufei. Their eyes locked combatively.  
  
"Sally," he said finally in a low voice, crouching down next her. "Just go. It's all right if you do this when you're feeling better."  
  
She gave him a resigned look. "All right," she finally agreed. "Next week."  
  
"I'll call the janitor and have him clean this up," said Sally wearily as she walked out of the gym.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I can't believe you are that stubborn," said Noin, shaking her head. Sally was lying on the sofa in their shared office, sipping a cup of hot tea.  
  
"I don't think I've ever been so fucking embarrassed in my whole life," said Sally. "I still can't believe I threw up. I've been shot and never threw up!"  
  
"Mother Nature is a real bitch," said Noin, reaching over and giving Sally's leg a sympathetic squeeze.  
  
"A bitch with PMS," said Sally.  
  
"If we'd had more female pilots with PMS, the war would have ended a lot sooner," said Noin thoughtfully. Sally snorted into her cup.  
  
"Our secret weapon," said Sally. They laughed.  
  
"Oh well, things could be worse," said Noin.  
  
"How?" asked Sally.  
  
"At least you're not pregnant," she said slyly. Sally punched her lightly in the arm.  
  
"If I am, we need to alert the media, because the Messiah is on the way," she joked.  
  
Noin laughed. "Oh, girlfriend, you need a man," she said.  
  
"I need a heating pad and a box of Belgian chocolates," said Sally.  
  
"A man has nothing I need at the moment. Unless he owns a pharmacy."  
  
"You should ask Wufei out, you have a lot in common," said Noin, resting her chin on the heel of one long slim hand.  
  
"What?" asked Sally. "We're just friends."  
  
"He likes you, I can tell."  
  
"Yeah, he really liked the way I did the technicolor wave on the floor of the gym right now," said Sally, wincing.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure he's seen worse things than that," said Noin dismissively.  
  
"NO matchmaking," said Sally, "I can handle my own affairs, thank you. You newlywed types, always wanting to fix everyone else up to justify your own need to breed."  
  
Lu laughed in her husky voice. "Not just yet," she said. "Although a baby would be nice, after a while." Her voice grew soft with speculation.  
  
"Lu!" exclaimed Sally. "You're really thinking seriously about this, aren't you?"  
  
"Doesn't everyone, sooner or later?" asked Noin with feigned nonchalance.  
  
"No, actually," said Sally. "Or we'd be knee deep in humans."  
  
"True," conceded Lu. "I have to get back to my desk. Take it easy for a while and I'll come back and see if you want to have lunch with Mil and me."  
  
"I'm not going to be the third wheel on your date with your husband," said Sally, shaking her head. "Don't worry about me. I'll just have some soup here in the office. I'm not very hungry anyway."  
  
"You sure?" asked Lu. Sally nodded. "I'm just going to lie here a bit. I'll be fine in a few minutes, and then I can get to work on those medical reports I'm behind on."  
  
Lu nodded reluctantly and left, shutting the door and turning down the lights a little.  
  
Sally sighed, and finishing her tea, closed her eyes, absently rubbing her stomach with one hand.  
  
A knock at the door woke her. She blinked. "Who's there?" she asked, sitting up quickly. She had fallen asleep! Damn!  
  
"It's Wufei, I just came by to see if you're all right."  
  
"Shit!" she muttered, reaching up automatically to smooth her braids.  
  
"Come in," she said in a high voice.  
  
The door opened. "Were you taking a nap?" he asked, looking at her curiously.  
  
"Um, no," she lied badly. "Just closing my eyes for a moment, I'm fine now."  
  
"If you're sick, you should go home," said Wufei. "I'll drive you if you like."  
  
"I'm not sick," said Sally for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. "Just a bit dehydrated or something, that can cause nausea, you know."  
  
"Didn't you take advantage of the water breaks?" Wufei asked her. "Since you're a doctor, I thought you'd know better."  
  
"I did," said Sally, defensively, "I mean, I know."  
  
"Dehydration can be serious," he said, coming over and sitting down beside her on the plush sofa. "You do look a bit flushed," he said. He reached out and put a hand on her forehead.  
  
Sally giggled. "That doesn't really work, you know," she said. "Most people's hands are either warmer or cooler than their core temp, depending on the room temperature."  
  
"Oh," he said, pulling back his hand.  
  
"Besides, I don't have a fever, they checked me at the infirmary."  
  
"I was just.worried," he said lamely.  
  
"Thanks, that's nice of you," said Sally. "I suspect I'll be fine in a day or so."  
  
"You're sure?" he asked.  
  
"Positive," Sally said confidently.  
  
"Food poisoning?" he asked. "I had that once," he said. "Maxwell's fault, I'm sure. You should have seen some of the food he cooked us on missions. I can't believe I ate some of it. 15 year old boys will eat anything." He grinned fleetingly.  
  
"No, it wasn't food poisoning," said Sally quietly. "It's nothing, really."  
  
"You're okay, aren't you?" asked Wufei. "I mean, you'd tell me if there was really something wrong?"  
  
"Yes, I would," she said earnestly. "Wufei, it's just, you know, one of those 'female things'", okay? Nothing to worry about. Normal once a month stuff."  
  
"Oh!" he said, "I see." He swallowed. "Well, I feel kind of stupid. I should have guessed."  
  
"Well, now you know," she said. "Sometimes, I get a little nauseous, that's all."  
  
"Sounds awful," he said, wincing a bit, and frowning in sympathy.  
  
"Like you'd know," she muttered under his breath.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing," she said. "I just need to settle my stomach, then I'm going right back to work."  
  
"I'll reschedule your evaluation for next week," said Wufei, standing up to leave.  
  
"Ah, you need anything?" he asked.  
  
"You got a box of chocolates on you?" she joked.  
  
"Um, no?" he asked, looking puzzled.  
  
"Forget it then," she said.  
  
"Sally?" he began.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm not a kid anymore, you don't have to treat me like one," he said. "I'm not going to blush and faint if you tell me you're having your period."  
  
"I guess you're not," she said slowly. "Maybe you never were."  
  
"I've seen people ripped open by shrapnel, I hardly think a little bodily function is going to squick me," he said, smiling at her.  
  
"I'll remember that. Sorry."  
  
"Wufei?"  
  
"What?" he was still smiling.  
  
"You want to have dinner with me this weekend?"  
  
"Sure," he said. "I'd like that. Is that all?"  
  
"Well, a heating pad?"  
  
He laughed. "Okay, maybe they have one at the infirmary."  
  
"Chocolate?"  
  
"You'll have to explain that one to me."  
  
"Maybe at dinner."  
  
The End 


End file.
